I think it's time

I have not been in a relationship in a very long time, and some of the reasons for this are not the reasons I had originally thought they were. My last relationship ended in a very painful, very messy split. There was a long custody battle over our daughter and in the end, I lost. I haven't seen my daughter since then. I was hurt deeply and sunk into a long dark depression that has taken me many years to work through.

I ended up moving back in with my father renting the upstairs of his house so that I could afford to pay my child support and try to get back on my feet financially. Instead of putting myself back together, I spent the next couple years becoming more and more disconnected from the world around me. I considered suicide more than once and came close to doing the deed a couple times.

My daughter was everything to me and when she was taken from me it just ended my world. For a long time though I went to work and did the bare minimum to keep going, existing as apposed to living. It got to the point where I realized I needed some real help and I sought out counseling.

Jumping ahead a couple years and with the help of a couple good professionals, I was starting to feel more like a human being again and felt that maybe it was time to get out there and maybe meet someone again. I was working on becoming more socially active and less fearful of life.

At this point I had been able to put aside a little money and had plans to move back out on my own and get on with my life in some shape or another, when my father became ill. I ended up staying with him for another couple years to help out and towards the end take care of him. this left me little time to worry about myself and though my father did need me there, I had opportunity to go out if I wanted, but I used the excuse of my fathers illness to put my love life on hold again.

My father passed away a year and a half ago and the time since then has been very hectic and has involved 2 moves on my part. I ended up buying a mobile home the middle of last year and have gotten to where I actually feel like this is my home now. My fathers death has also been kind of a wake up call for me. It has made me take a good hard look at my life and I realize now that I have definitely not been living up to my potential.

I have finally been able to lay to rest some of the ghosts which have haunted me for the last decade, and find myself again. I still have issues that I am dealing with, but I have a handle on them and they don't control me anymore. I am able to feel something other than hurt or indifferent. I am no longer looking for excuses to put off enjoying my life.

I have a long way to go still, but I am well on my way and know where I am heading for the first time in almost 12 years. Once again I am walking among my fellow humans and it feels good. I feel good about myself most of the time, and though I still deal with depression, it has become much less of an issue. I'm putting together a good life for myself and I think it would be nice to share it with someone who can appreciate it. I don't know yet who that will be, but I think I will enjoy finding her.