I think it's time

I have not been in a relationship in a very long time, and some of the reasons for this are not the reasons I had originally thought they were. My last relationship ended in a very painful, very messy split. There was a long custody battle over our daughter and in the end, I lost. I haven't seen my daughter since then. I was hurt deeply and sunk into a long dark depression that has taken me many years to work through.

I ended up moving back in with my father renting the upstairs of his house so that I could afford to pay my child support and try to get back on my feet financially. Instead of putting myself back together, I spent the next couple years becoming more and more disconnected from the world around me. I considered suicide more than once and came close to doing the deed a couple times.

My daughter was everything to me and when she was taken from me it just ended my world. For a long time though I went to work and did the bare minimum to keep going, existing as apposed to living. It got to the point where I realized I needed some real help and I sought out counseling.

Jumping ahead a couple years and with the help of a couple good professionals, I was starting to feel more like a human being again and felt that maybe it was time to get out there and maybe meet someone again. I was working on becoming more socially active and less fearful of life.

At this point I had been able to put aside a little money and had plans to move back out on my own and get on with my life in some shape or another, when my father became ill. I ended up staying with him for another couple years to help out and towards the end take care of him. this left me little time to worry about myself and though my father did need me there, I had opportunity to go out if I wanted, but I used the excuse of my fathers illness to put my love life on hold again.

My father passed away a year and a half ago and the time since then has been very hectic and has involved 2 moves on my part. I ended up buying a mobile home the middle of last year and have gotten to where I actually feel like this is my home now. My fathers death has also been kind of a wake up call for me. It has made me take a good hard look at my life and I realize now that I have definitely not been living up to my potential.

I have finally been able to lay to rest some of the ghosts which have haunted me for the last decade, and find myself again. I still have issues that I am dealing with, but I have a handle on them and they don't control me anymore. I am able to feel something other than hurt or indifferent. I am no longer looking for excuses to put off enjoying my life.

I have a long way to go still, but I am well on my way and know where I am heading for the first time in almost 12 years. Once again I am walking among my fellow humans and it feels good. I feel good about myself most of the time, and though I still deal with depression, it has become much less of an issue. I'm putting together a good life for myself and I think it would be nice to share it with someone who can appreciate it. I don't know yet who that will be, but I think I will enjoy finding her. 

From the Stars to Eternity

There are many things which when I think about them, just make me stop in complete wonder. One of the most amazing to me is the thought that every thing, you, me, every one and every thing including our earth, are all made up of the remnants of dead and exploded stars.

I mean think about it, over billions of years, millions upon millions of stars forming, living out their celestial lives, then exploding in huge blasts of matter and energy. Then this matter slowly over time gathering into yet more stars with planets forming around them. More time and more energy and life begins to form. Over hundreds of millennium life evolves all the while more stars exploding and raining down their remains across vast stretches of space.

The fact that every particle of every person on earth was once a particle of some distant star just boggles my mind. Not just people though, every animal every plant every grain of sand, all the gold and gems that we count as valuable, all of it was once part of a star. It's very humbling and at the same time exhilarating beyond belief.

To know we are all made of star dust that may have come from the farthest corners of the universe makes me feel like in my own insignificant way, that I am a part of everything that is, has been and will be. It makes me so much more than just me. I am a hundred million super novas spread out over vast expanses of time. I am every person who ever lived before me. I am the sun, the moon and the planets. What's more, everyone else out there is also a combination of all these wonderful things.

When I compare these facts to the pitiful myths of religion, it makes me wonder how a mere god could ever compare to the reality of things. Why would I want to spend an eternity worshipping at the feet of some spoiled selfish arrogant supposed deity, when I can be dispersed over expanses of space and time to possibly become part of the particles that make up some future being in some other place? This to me is my mortality, this is where I would go when I die. Though my awareness may be left behind, my body, or at least the atoms which make up my body, will carry on.

What makes a person special

I've been debating with someone on twitter today about weather or not a person can be special or not. I agree with her that no one is inherently special do to birth right or monetary value, but I disagree that a person can not work to make them self special. I also concede that special, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. SO here, I will try to explain what to me makes a person special.

There are many people that I would consider special to me. A good example would be the people in Japan Who are working in the reactor buildings trying to divert a disaster. They are doing everything they can without regard for their own personal safety to protect the greater population.

Another would be the teacher who spends 6 or 8  or sometimes even more hours a day trying to instill the needed knowledge to or kids while at the same time wondering when they will be the next "spending cut", then goes home and spends another 3 or 4 hours grading papers and preparing for tomorrows class. Many times spending their own money from their steadily shrinking income to make sure their students have the supplies they need to learn.

Their are so many more, firefighters, paramedics, the people of Egypt who were willing to peacefully fight for their freedom, the people of Libya that are willing to die for their freedom even though they have no chance on their own. So many that it's impossible to list them.

No, being rich or having been born into a certain family doesn't to me make a person special. What makes a person special is their willingness to put others before themselves. The desire to make a positive difference in this world. The ability to look at another person regardless of color or background and say you are a human like me and and everyone else and we should all be willing to help one another.

A Call to the Defense of America

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point, there is so much to take in. Budget deficits, wars in 2 countries, women's rights being attacked again, public workers being blamed, and on and on. All of it can be followed back to their roots with the financial ultra elite. I'm not going to go into all the facts and evidence of this, I'm just throwing out some questions and speculations on the subject.

Now we know that people (and I use that term very loosely here) like the Koch brothers and their 1% club are doing everything they can to break the American middle class, and redistribute even more wealth to the top 1 percent club. We also know that the US government and the wall street/bank/mega corporation conglomeration are just about to the point of being one in the same. We also know that the US government has been for many years involved in keeping ruthless dictators and despots in power in third world countries around the globe. The media is all pretty much owned by the big corporations so all you hear from them is what they are told to tell us.

I mean look at Wisconsin, as many as 70 thousand protesters in the state capital, and what have we seen on the mainstream media? Not much and a lot of that is aimed at making the working people look like the bad guys. Those people aren't destroying our country, they are fighting for their basic human rights. They are not taking anything from anyone, they earn their pay and benefits and yes they are entitled to them.

Maybe look at women's rights instead. Dr Tiller was gunned down while in his church because he was willing to help women obtain an abortion which is a legal medical procedure. Of course to hear it from supposed pro lifers, abortion is evil and murder, so killing an abortion doctor is a noble deed. Kind of backwards if you ask me. Women are people too, they deserve the same rights to decide what happens to their own bodies as any man does.Even more so since men don't have to worry about getting pregnant if they are raped(yes men and boys get raped too ( I speak from experience)).

The US has a one million five hundred thousand man active military and a huge reserve, and a military budget that exceeds all the other military budgets in the world combined. We have more bases than even the pentagon can keep track of (no really, they don't know). We have a war going on in Afghanistan that we started. we have a war going on in Iraq that we should never have gotten into that was started by a lie. Oh and that one we started too. I could go on and on with more and more, but I think we have a good picture already.

Our US government is and has been for a long time nothing more than a plutocracy.The government, federal and state, are owned and operated lock stock and barrel by the giant corporations, which along with the banks and Wall Street, are owned in most part by a small group of select families.

I was never one of those people that believes all the conspiracy theories and the one world order stuff that's been going around for who knows how long, but now I begin to think that maybe there is some truth to it. Why else would people who have so much that they couldn't possible have need of anything want even more? If you had 10 or 20 billion dollars, can you think of anything at all that you couldn't afford to buy? Really, is there anything at all that that kind of money can't buy?

Think about this. The Koch brothers just recently gave themselves an 11 billion dollar salary increase. It would take the incomes of about 220 thousand average American families to equal that sum. That was just their raise to themselves, they make a lot more than that. When you have everything, all the luxuries, the toys, the properties, the businesses and literally everything, what else could you possibly want?

I guess the only thing left is power over other people. The ability to have the masses of humanity ebb and flow to your beck and call. It must be a very a powerful draw for some. Personally I don't think it would ever appeal to me, but some people seem to thrive on control. They believe that those who have money deserve power. They think that those who don't, deserve to suffer. They may even achieve their goals for a while.

But I believe in the power of humanity. I just don't think that the billions of people that don't belong to the 1% club will allow it. I think that no matter what these elitist throw at us, we will persevere. They just don't learn from history, this has happened before many times over the centuries. Eventually all oppressive regimes fall.

You just have to look at Egypt, or any of the other middle east or African countries who's governments are falling to citizens that are tired of the injustices. You can also look to the great people out in Wisconsin, who have been peacefully protesting to save there bargaining rights from corporate shill Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin. These people standing up for their rights are not the ones who have put our country in the position it's in.

The Awakening

I think I am waking up. I was asleep for a very long time. I have been slowly emerging from the webs that fog my mind. For so long I drifted along like so many others, thinking I was ahead of the game. Even more so I thought I wasn't even playing the game. I was a rebel, I went my own way, but I was fooled. I was asleep.

 A couple years back, I couldn't tell you for sure how many, I Began thinking again. I entered a state of not quite wakefulness, but also not being fully asleep. I began to pay attention to what was going on around me. I began to understand what was going on around me. Not everything, not at first, probably not even now. I knew enough though, the proccess had started, my slumber was troubled.

It has taken a while, two, three, four years, maybe more. I do not know when I started emerging from my slumber, it was a gradual thing. There were set backs, there were distractions, but I have passed them, and I come very close to full wakefulness. The things I see scare me and part of me wants to ignore it and go back to sleep. After all, if I'm asleep, I can't see, but my fears won't let me. I know now I must wake and come fully to my senses, there is a fight that needs to be fought, and though I may not be able to lead it, I must participate.

I wake to the struggles of humanity verses itself in a contest Of frieghtening proportions. I see people being oppressed all over the world including right here in the United States. I feel bad for all those who are in such desperate straights, they have to little help them in these times of greatest needs. I want to help, I feel a need to do what I can to help my fellow humans make it through, but I realize I have very little to spare. My bills get bigger it seems from month to month. Where I used to have a little cushion to cover in case of an emergency, I find now that there is just barely enough to cover what needs to be covered. I have very few "luxuries" and I may have to cut back on even those few soon. It finally dawns on me that it's not all those oppressed people, it's all of us oppressed people. The frieghtning truth is finally sinking in and I can no longer close my eyes and pretend to sleep.

It is time to put off the warm blanket of lies, leave my sleeping behing and face the truth. I must join the cause of humanity, and let my voice be heard. I will do my part to spread the word, to help convince those who do not or will not see what is being done to us. I don't understand why more have not become aware of what is being done to the average people of not only our country, but the world as a whole. The more I learn, the more frightning it becomes. Our so called government of the people and for the people has become a government of the corporation for the corporation.

While corporate executives live their lives in opulent granduer that any king would envy, millions of people are wondering if they will have a home tomorrow. While the rich eat lobster and caviar, many are worried that they wont be able to feed their families through the week.  as the elites sit in their offices in their glass and steel towers making millions for doing nothing, men and women are being turned away from yet another job interview. These men of wealth and power don't care, don't even see what the rest of us are going through.

I see what lies down the road these men of power wish to take the world. I Don't like what I see, so I will wake. I will spread the word so that others may wake and do likewise. I will keep my eyes open and seek out my place in the struggle. I will not be caught sleeping again.

Thoughts of a Quiet Atheist

Ok, so I've been doing a lot of reading and watching of videos and whatever other information I can find  on Atheism and the apparent battle going on between some of the "heavy hitters" of Atheism and religion. Though I think we need people like Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins and P Z Meyers to kind of egg things on, I also think that there has to be people with a quieter message for potential future Atheists.

I mean, I understand all the bad that religion has been responsible for in the past and also in the present day, but, I also recognize that religion has also done a lot of good in the world. There are a lot of people out there who especially in this day and age need something to hold onto to keep themselves rooted in some kind of sanity. For these people religion gives them these roots. I don't want to be the one to try and rip these peoples religious roots out and cause them to cling that much tighter to them.

I don't try to convince people that they are wrong to believe in a god, I try to lead by example. I do my best to treat people the way I would want to be treated. I give respect to everyone regardless of their personal beliefs because I hope that they will return the courtesy. Though I don't try to hide the fact that I'm an Atheist, I also don't ever try to push my (belief?/disbelief?) on others. I figure that if people see me living as a good and moral person even though I know there to be no gods, maybe it will get them thinking a little bit.

I don't like being confrontational with people, it just goes against my grain. Now don't get me wrong, I will defend myself and those I hold dear, but I will not be the one to throw the first stone so to speak. I also enjoy a good earnest civil debate, but when things get heated, for me any ways, it's time to step back and take a few minutes to think.

I see no reason to insult someone by claiming that their beliefs are silly or dangerous, or that they are stupid or gullible for having those beliefs. Getting people mad at you for attacking something that they consider to be a part of their life regardless of how large or important a part of their life it is, does not in my opinion make them more likely to give that something up.

I prefer to continue as I have for a long time now,  using common courtesy, respect and kindness to convey my message. If I find my self in a situation where I am at the receiving end, then if possible I remove myself from the situation, or if not possible, then as I said before, I will defend myself as needed. I will not however be the initial aggressor in any confrontation. 

I find that I get much more satisfaction from doing what I can to help other people out when and where I can now that I'm doing it just because it's the right thing to do as apposed to trying to score browny points with some supreme being. It's also entertaining to see the reactions when people find out I'm an atheist. It's hard for some people to reconcile a good person not being a Christian, but it's hard for them to dismiss the evidence staring them in the face too. 

My fears for the future

I believe we are heading for a major civil war some where down the road. Weather it will be a U.S. war or a global war I'm not sure yet, but I can see the signs. In fact, anyone who is willing to open their eyes and do a little research can easily see the same things that I do. What I see is the ultra elite powers that be, the same people that have systematically syphoned off the biggest part of our economy into their own private pockets, are trying to take over the world.

I Know that many don't or won't believe what I see, but for me it is to plain to ignore. The elites have used money and political influence to warp the laws of our country until they really only benefit the very rich and the big corporations. if you aren't one of them then you don't matter to them unless you make waves for them. As long as they can continue to play the right off the left, the poor off the middle class, the old off the young and the whites off the minorities, they will continue to profit off of us all.

The problem for the elites is that there are very few of them so they have to rely on fear and anger provoked between the various factions of the middle and lower classes by their propaganda to cover for their clandestine works behind the scenes to make everyone beholden to them. Once the people realize who is doing what, they will turn their anger and dismay towards the real root of the problem. In this day and age it is even more difficult for the elitists to hide their doings than it was even twenty or thirty years ago. The Internet and all the advancements in cell phone technology and many of the other flashy gizmo's meant to divert us and keep us docile for them, have the advantage to us of allowing pretty much instant communication. Without the ability to limit what we hear and see to what they want us to hear and see, they are vulnerable.

Though I would really prefer to see things worked out on a less violent level, I honestly believe we have already seen the first shots fired in this war. I'm not just talking about Representative Gifford and the other people who were shot in Arizona, if you keep up with the news. you know there have been many more mass shootings in the U.S. than just that one. In fact there have been more than one a month for the last couple years. Though some of these can be written off as crackpots there are many that are specifically aimed at supposed opposing factions.

 We see more and more of our young men and women killed off in senseless wars. Which brings up the world outside our country. Things aren't looking too good any where right now. There are more and more fracture groups on all sides. All of them are either upset or mad at one or the other and most really don't know who or what their mad at, but it's starting to sink in.

I think that somewhere in the next 20 to 50 years, many of the Tea Party people and the liberals and the conservatives and the minorities that are in the middle class and lower class will not be able to deny what is already plainly there for anyone who is willing to look. That the very upper echelons of world powers have been playing us all for dupes for quite some time. Then you will see them lose much of their anxiety of each other and start looking to deal with the real root of the problem.

I do not pretend to know how things will turn out. I do believe we will see Great changes good or bad. I am just guessing here, but I believe the elites expect to use the US  military to protect them, but I also believe that enough of the military when ordered to go against there own country men will sicken of being the tools of those who would put an end to what our country men fought so hard to gain so many years ago when they threw off the chains of their masters.

I believe that in the end those of us that are right now suffering from the oppression of the elite will take back our country but at what cost I fear to guess. I just hope that one day humanity will learn that until we can put our differences aside for good, we will be doomed to continue to repeat this vicious cycle yet again.